Hello, Hippie Cowgirls. What do you want the very most in your life? Imagine a menu is handed to you and you can order anything you want. You have to look at each option and make a choice because even though you can order anything, your stomach won’t have the capacity to hold everything. You are hungry. You need something to satiate you, not just fill a space. What will you ask for?
Moving to the green of Nashville from the red rocks of Escalante, Utah was crazy. Getting married at 52 years old to Gary Holt so shortly after the collapse of my first marriage was sheer recklessness. I would never have guessed my life would take such twists and turns. There are moments that I am so happy and so disoriented from the changes that I wonder if I’ve died and Tennessee is heaven.
I want to share a moment with you. I know you’ve had a moment like this too. It’s when you’ve done all you can do and you’re exhausted. You’ve cried the last tear, you’ve spent the last dime, you wash your hands of it all and come to God with a whole new prayer. It goes like this, “OK, God. It’s me again. I know there’s lots of hurt in this world and I’m sorry to bring you my petty mess, but I’m done. No, seriously, I’m done. You know the Grace people always talk about? I need some.”
The waving of the white flag is when the menu is laid in front of you and God smiles and says, “What do you want the very most in your life?” This is a hard moment because we’ve been taught what we should want our whole lives but God wants to know what you really want. This too is hard because it takes a balance of deep thought and quick instinct to answer honestly. There is also the distinct risk that what we ask for is temporarily not on the menu.
When I had this moment to choose from the menu of life, my hungry exhausted soul asked God to please bring me deep romantic love. The words tumbled out of me and I knew they were honest. I wanted to love and be loved. I created space for this love. I kept his drawers empty and his side of the bed ready for him. I opened my heart to the future and put the past in the past.
Gary Holt called one day to ask me to be on a new radio show he was creating called The Living Room Sessions. I professionally agreed and then when he asked how the family was doing, I blubbered that I was going through a divorce. He was quiet and calmly said, “Well, 50% of all marriages end in divorce.” That didn’t make me feel better and I felt even worse when he quickly ended the call. Soon we began talking on the phone more to set up the show. I liked his Southern drawl and deep voice and decided that during the pandemic lock-down it would be nice to visit with him more, so while I was recording my new album, Frontier, I called him and blurted out, “Do you have a girlfriend?” Classy, I know.
Falling in love with Gary Holt has been the sweetest gift. I laugh because I know it could’ve been a disaster, but not a day goes by that I regret choosing love. Deeply satisfying love and companionship are what my soul was craving. What is your soul aching for? There is an abundance of good things waiting to be cooked up for you as long as you are willing to honestly put in your request and create the space for it to be placed in front of you.
It’s OK to not want what you thought you should want. It’s OK to not want what you used to want. You can change your mind. You can even make a monumental mistake and send it back to the kitchen. Do you want to know why there is such abundance at this table? Abundance is a special dish made to order. You just need to be hungry enough to ask for it.